red paper square
a silent hill triptych
*1
I just as the sign blinks red just as the ‘thank you for your visit’ before an empty wine glass sits snuggly between your four fingers just as your thumb tongues the wet glass slightly just as you swore you weren’t going to drink tonight yet here you are at the bottom of a sink-hole before you could have sworn the bartender girl had given you a small smile of pity before a gentle pat on the back of your rough hand, noticing the indent of a missing wedding band turn back around you wished to say you would have begged one more glance from an onlooker as if you were some tawdry trinket in a battered our shop window or a house sparrow legs clipped & broken you would snap flip the bar table & scream what’re you looking at huh? on the bad days everything trembles II if i’m an animal one that’s trapped plodding & pawing 18 steps in one direction & a further 87 in the other panting beneath the car seat it’s hot in here & i’ve found a treasure trove did you lose your wedding ring under here? or is lose to loose a word? maybe fake’s what i like something mouldable you said green washed out my skin a little bitter like vermouth under your tongue what would make you smile again? an upper? downer? me impaled on a set of double spears? hell of a retribution it isn’t the only option i could kick & pant at your heel all day i miss your legs flailing your now non-ringed hand slapping at my back a ‘stop!’ blubbering on your purple face was this not what you imagined? i imagined chasing you out into the hotel hallway, blunt instrument in hand a stab to either shoulder would have you spinning a dance dance dance to the floor she’s just drunk sir i imagined licking your hand & loping the wedding ring right off in one fell swoop runnin to the corner of the room on all fours don’t you know how emotional it makes me seeing you laying there useless (!) i miss being inside of you i don’t know why these nurses insist on wearing those click-clacky heels (click-clack click- clack) DRIP! damned drip of the dialysis machine i’m as useless a husband as you are a wife sloughing off this skin i’ll sit & watch me burn burnt out motorcycle III every-time i dream of her she appears wrong hair too short too curly ginger at the edges, blonde instead of brunette basically all sorts of wrong sometimes she’s missin an eye socket on fire constantly turning abandoned motor wheel like some portal of damnation some days she’s hellfire others she’s burning cold
unthinking unfeeling lung bloated. eyes frozen in an ‘help me!’ ‘stop it!’ kind of gaze eyes glazed over & i’m sure if a fly were to land on her cornea real horror flick like she wouldn’t even make a move to blink it out horror abstained horror present i usually rewind the tape when she starts screaming then again it’s more of a wheeze really (!) real sharp & real sloooooooow her lungs unused to the sudden lack of air, she flails like a fish out of water ankles hitting the bottom of the mattress i on the other hand slip away like ink i’m never in the video well not quite— my back is. a confidence i haven’t felt in years etched into the lines of my spine when i showered later i turn the water black solid gunk tucked into my own chest the water stains the hairs on my legs charcoal & in doing so all of me turns as black as midnight probably better this way wouldn’t want to give the poor underworked underpaid under appreciated under fuckin valued receptionist a heart attack the corridors bubble & slant beneath my feet the walls exchange pleasantries & laugh at my expense, the throw flowers for the poor fool for the jester that i am it’s only when i reach the parking lot that i pause for thought her body limp in my arms adorned in that bedsheet with the cheaply pressed flowers she’d loved so much upon entry to our hotel room my grip on her tightens i couldn’t put her in the boot? could i? she always hated cramped spaces & my car is a regular 4 seater & still barely enough room for the family school run, not like we ever spoke about it of course the rain beats down on my back & i’ve lost all energy in keeping my hair out of my face she had liked me like that for a time towel wrapped around my waist my exterior had softened since our marriage & she’d press two chipped-nail hands either side of my face & blow her breath at me either until i shook my head like a dog or silenced her with a kiss she tasted of bourbon? jasmine? the bottom of a handbag & leather boots venerated lake & lit candles i decided to place her in the back seat instead i was sorry that i didn’t have the heart to put on her favourite cassette the silence on the drive is something i expect i’ll have to grow used to can’t expect you to talk me out of what im about to do ( car backed close to the waters edge) put your arms around my shoulders & tell me to breathe breathe honey use your words sweetie you’ll be okay i’ll wait for you at the end of the dust-beaten fog-bound road i’m waiting honey i always am…
